When Life Gets Crazy

I was enjoying my day yesterday with the kids being home and Rudy being home. I had lots to do but still made time for them through out. I had Abigail sleeping off and on and then Joshua running in and out of our house with Mia, our lab. Joshua always seems to love going on the trampoline with Mia cause he laughs when Mia tries to walk on the trampoline and tumbles. I look at him and Abigail and see how much they have grown since the time they were babies. They have progressed along ways thanks to GOD. I remember so clearly like it was yesterday when they told me that Joshua and Abigail were both Autistic. I was like, "What?" "What did I do wrong?" "How am I going to handle both of them with the same diagnosis?" But when I look at then and look at now, I realize I was able to do it on my own. I say on my own cause Rudy was in denial about the kids from day 1 when we got the diagnosis for the kids. I remember how my life kept going downhill from there. I was doing therapy for the kids by myself, giving them their meds by myself, talking to the school staff about them by myself. Everything was done by me and me alone. It hurted me alot that he didnt want to be a part of them growing up but didnt know what to do or where to go. I thought about GOD but yet I was so stressed out and tired of doing everything myself that I didnt even think about GOD. So when I didnt have him in my life my marriage started getting worse. My husband started talking to other women on the phone without me knowing, he started to go out without me, and pretty much everything he did, he did alone and didnt want to do anything as a family. It wasnt until he was deployed when the walls came tumbling down and gave him an ultimatum. The reason for the ultimatum was because he still hadnt changed from all these years. You would think that going to the army and seeing things that are unimaginable would make him think about his family or life in a different way now but it didnt. So when he got back from Iraq in June of 2009, he chose to be a family instead. Now even though he chose that, there were still alot of wounds in our marriage and couldnt trust him. It was more of a wait and see kind of thing. I can actually say now as of today, he has changed alot on some things but not everything.

So as I look back on those times, I think about how it was when I was growing up. I remember my mom and dad arguing alot but never realized how bad anything was till now that I am grown up and mom would tell me how it was. My dad was an alcoholic and there would be times he never came home. I remember seeing my mom crying but didnt think if it was a cry for help or a cry of hurt. We were never a touching family so it was so hard for me to just go over there and hug her. But now that I am older, I am able to overcome alot of that only with the help of my mohter in law who told me that she never hugged her mother as welll tell she started going to church and looking for god. When she finally found GOD, she was able to overcome that fear and just hugg her mother and tell her that she loved her. So when she told me to start doing that with my mother, guess what, it worked. By the time you know it, my mother was hugging all of us and telling us she loved us too.

So the way I see it is like this, when life gets crazy, look for God, cause only he can make your life better and easier. I will say this though, I still know that there is a God and know how to talk to him but still dont feel that close connection that I want. So the way I see it is like this, if i go through all these changes now and read my bible harder and pray harder I might be able to feel that close connection. I so much want to feel close to him and have him run my life instead of me running my life.