Being Happy With Me

Through out my entire life I have always felt like the ugly duckling. I had always wanted the guy like the way you see in the movies. I wanted to be that perfect girl but prettier. I wanted to have the attention from a guy that would just love me for me. So in my entire life, there were guys that tried to take advantage of me but I wouldnt let them cause I was better than that. I had met some guys who were all into themselves and didnt care about any other person than themselves. I could never stand guys like that and still don't. Then there were guys that I met that were just bad apples if you know what I mean. It wasnt like if i was raised as a thug or grew up in a banged up hood. I just wanted to have the best life possible with the best man to make it happen. If you say that I am a dreamer.....well then maybe so. But then why not? I never wanted to feel hurt and still don't but then again who in this world doesn't want to feel hurt. I grew up with parents saying that things are what they are and you can't do anything about it. Well that is where I stepped in and said to myself that I would never take that and would want to do better and be better.

Well as I was in high school I started to think about what I wanted to do and I chose to be medical records clerk. As I started working as a medical records clerk, I got bored and wanted to do something else, so then by the time I graduated, I headed to Mountain View to be Teachers Assistant. I saw how long that was going to take and figured I couldnt do that either cause I had already my 2 children by then. So then I changed again and decided to just get a certificate in an Accounting Assistant. I did go through with that and was happy. Well kind of but then I will keep explaining. As I had finished the Accounting Assistant I started thinking.....how was I going to be able to hold down a job when my 2 disabled kids with Autism were going to need alot of training and help to get better. So then I thought about getting a job as a Nursing Assistant. I took the classes there at the nursing home part time and then worked there full time as well. That didnt last cause I wasnt getting any help with the kids and then the unexpected happened. My daughter started getting seizures. Again I was alone in this and didnt know what to do or where to go. I knew for sure I couldnt work. But then again I didnt want to fall in that saying of what my parents used to tell me. So I tried 2 more times. Once at Sams Warehouse and then again 9 months later at Target. Each job I didnt last no more than 2 months. I was starting to feel that things had to be the way they were....just like the way mom said. I couldnt stand just being at home and I still don't. I feel worthless and useless cause I feel that if I can't work then what good am I.

I knew the kids needed all my attention cause no one else was going to be affectionate like me or have a stronger bond than me. Abigails seizures started getting worse but still felt useless again. So for a while I stopped thinking like that but then it started all over again and guess why? Because I wanted to feel important and be important. To be honest with you I am jeoulous of my husband right now cause he gets to travel and things like that and I can't. Even though he may travel cause it is work related, he still gets to travel. Something I had been wanting to do for the longest. I feel like I can't do anything or be anything cause I am stuck with the kids and I have not help with them. I am still jeoulous of my husband cause he is now able to finish college and get a degree soon and here I am stuck with nothing and is still a nobody. As soon as I try to be successful I get bored cause I dont have someone to tell me that I am doing a great job or to keep it up. When I mean someone I mean someone other than my husband cause I still dont get that motivation from him now and don't think I will.

So this concludes me now to say..."Why can't I be happy with me?" "Is there something wrong with me?" I wish I had an answer only because I still feel this way and wish there was some kind of adventure for me to take that I can actually say..." I DID IT!!!" "I ACCOMPLISHED AND FINISHED THIS!!!"