Being Happy With Me

Through out my entire life I have always felt like the ugly duckling. I had always wanted the guy like the way you see in the movies. I wanted to be that perfect girl but prettier. I wanted to have the attention from a guy that would just love me for me. So in my entire life, there were guys that tried to take advantage of me but I wouldnt let them cause I was better than that. I had met some guys who were all into themselves and didnt care about any other person than themselves. I could never stand guys like that and still don't. Then there were guys that I met that were just bad apples if you know what I mean. It wasnt like if i was raised as a thug or grew up in a banged up hood. I just wanted to have the best life possible with the best man to make it happen. If you say that I am a dreamer.....well then maybe so. But then why not? I never wanted to feel hurt and still don't but then again who in this world doesn't want to feel hurt. I grew up with parents saying that things are what they are and you can't do anything about it. Well that is where I stepped in and said to myself that I would never take that and would want to do better and be better.

Well as I was in high school I started to think about what I wanted to do and I chose to be medical records clerk. As I started working as a medical records clerk, I got bored and wanted to do something else, so then by the time I graduated, I headed to Mountain View to be Teachers Assistant. I saw how long that was going to take and figured I couldnt do that either cause I had already my 2 children by then. So then I changed again and decided to just get a certificate in an Accounting Assistant. I did go through with that and was happy. Well kind of but then I will keep explaining. As I had finished the Accounting Assistant I started thinking.....how was I going to be able to hold down a job when my 2 disabled kids with Autism were going to need alot of training and help to get better. So then I thought about getting a job as a Nursing Assistant. I took the classes there at the nursing home part time and then worked there full time as well. That didnt last cause I wasnt getting any help with the kids and then the unexpected happened. My daughter started getting seizures. Again I was alone in this and didnt know what to do or where to go. I knew for sure I couldnt work. But then again I didnt want to fall in that saying of what my parents used to tell me. So I tried 2 more times. Once at Sams Warehouse and then again 9 months later at Target. Each job I didnt last no more than 2 months. I was starting to feel that things had to be the way they were....just like the way mom said. I couldnt stand just being at home and I still don't. I feel worthless and useless cause I feel that if I can't work then what good am I.

I knew the kids needed all my attention cause no one else was going to be affectionate like me or have a stronger bond than me. Abigails seizures started getting worse but still felt useless again. So for a while I stopped thinking like that but then it started all over again and guess why? Because I wanted to feel important and be important. To be honest with you I am jeoulous of my husband right now cause he gets to travel and things like that and I can't. Even though he may travel cause it is work related, he still gets to travel. Something I had been wanting to do for the longest. I feel like I can't do anything or be anything cause I am stuck with the kids and I have not help with them. I am still jeoulous of my husband cause he is now able to finish college and get a degree soon and here I am stuck with nothing and is still a nobody. As soon as I try to be successful I get bored cause I dont have someone to tell me that I am doing a great job or to keep it up. When I mean someone I mean someone other than my husband cause I still dont get that motivation from him now and don't think I will.

So this concludes me now to say..."Why can't I be happy with me?" "Is there something wrong with me?" I wish I had an answer only because I still feel this way and wish there was some kind of adventure for me to take that I can actually say..." I DID IT!!!" "I ACCOMPLISHED AND FINISHED THIS!!!"

When Life Gets Crazy

I was enjoying my day yesterday with the kids being home and Rudy being home. I had lots to do but still made time for them through out. I had Abigail sleeping off and on and then Joshua running in and out of our house with Mia, our lab. Joshua always seems to love going on the trampoline with Mia cause he laughs when Mia tries to walk on the trampoline and tumbles. I look at him and Abigail and see how much they have grown since the time they were babies. They have progressed along ways thanks to GOD. I remember so clearly like it was yesterday when they told me that Joshua and Abigail were both Autistic. I was like, "What?" "What did I do wrong?" "How am I going to handle both of them with the same diagnosis?" But when I look at then and look at now, I realize I was able to do it on my own. I say on my own cause Rudy was in denial about the kids from day 1 when we got the diagnosis for the kids. I remember how my life kept going downhill from there. I was doing therapy for the kids by myself, giving them their meds by myself, talking to the school staff about them by myself. Everything was done by me and me alone. It hurted me alot that he didnt want to be a part of them growing up but didnt know what to do or where to go. I thought about GOD but yet I was so stressed out and tired of doing everything myself that I didnt even think about GOD. So when I didnt have him in my life my marriage started getting worse. My husband started talking to other women on the phone without me knowing, he started to go out without me, and pretty much everything he did, he did alone and didnt want to do anything as a family. It wasnt until he was deployed when the walls came tumbling down and gave him an ultimatum. The reason for the ultimatum was because he still hadnt changed from all these years. You would think that going to the army and seeing things that are unimaginable would make him think about his family or life in a different way now but it didnt. So when he got back from Iraq in June of 2009, he chose to be a family instead. Now even though he chose that, there were still alot of wounds in our marriage and couldnt trust him. It was more of a wait and see kind of thing. I can actually say now as of today, he has changed alot on some things but not everything.

So as I look back on those times, I think about how it was when I was growing up. I remember my mom and dad arguing alot but never realized how bad anything was till now that I am grown up and mom would tell me how it was. My dad was an alcoholic and there would be times he never came home. I remember seeing my mom crying but didnt think if it was a cry for help or a cry of hurt. We were never a touching family so it was so hard for me to just go over there and hug her. But now that I am older, I am able to overcome alot of that only with the help of my mohter in law who told me that she never hugged her mother as welll tell she started going to church and looking for god. When she finally found GOD, she was able to overcome that fear and just hugg her mother and tell her that she loved her. So when she told me to start doing that with my mother, guess what, it worked. By the time you know it, my mother was hugging all of us and telling us she loved us too.

So the way I see it is like this, when life gets crazy, look for God, cause only he can make your life better and easier. I will say this though, I still know that there is a God and know how to talk to him but still dont feel that close connection that I want. So the way I see it is like this, if i go through all these changes now and read my bible harder and pray harder I might be able to feel that close connection. I so much want to feel close to him and have him run my life instead of me running my life.

First Day

Well lets see. Today was Ok since it was the first day for everything pretty much. The day started out by me not wanting to wake up because my body was still in Holiday Vacation mode. lol. I had to get up to get the kids up to get them to school. Believe it or not they were ready as much as I was. It was so funny. Anyways, as I had finished dropping them off, I was heading home and as I was heading home, I was getting hungry. Now I usually stop by somewhere to get me something to eat but I didn't and only because today was also the first day of my challenge. I actually did good today on the eating and drinking and exercising. I made a food journal which was important. I had eaten at home for breakfast and snacks but went to subway to eat for lunch. Now I know I have not guilt there when I go and eat there cause I love subway. I happened to talk with my husband Rudy today and he said that if there is something that I dont want to eat cause I am trying to loose weight then he will be ok with it and go along on the journey with me in loosing weight. Now his metabolism is different but that is ok cause he can always eat more if he wants when he goes to work. Anyways, so I think that by him going along with me on this journey will help me but I just hope it will be like this for a long time and not just now. I feel confident that I can do this that I actually bought a scale to measure my food only because I have to learn to discipline myself if I want to see results.

Am I weird!!!

Well today felt weird somehow. "Weird" you say. Well let me tell you. When I woke up this morning I felt like I couldnt sleep right from the time I went to bed. I dont know if it was because I was so excited about going to my best friend Shannons house and finally getting some time to sit and talk, cause me and her are always busy, or what? I started thinking, well that couldnt be it cause I have been excited about other things before and was still able to go to sleep well. So then it dawned on me that I was excited cause the kids were going back to school tomorrow and wanted the day to go by fast so I could hurry and get them prepared for a new year with their favorite teacher. lol. lol. Now I know I may sound like a cruel mother but to tell you the truth, I need my "me time" for myself as well and it is so hard when you got 2 teenagers stuck to you like gum. I tried to leave them with my mom but they wouldnt have it. If you may not know me by now, I have 2 autistic children and are nonverbal and they both have different ways of spending the day. Josh, my son, likes to be out and about where as Abigail, my daughter, likes to just kick back at home and be a home body. Dont get me wrong, I like to do both but when one wants to do one thing and then the other wants to do the other, its difficult cause I can't stretch myself in two directions. You know what I mean? Well anyways back to my point about being weird, I was also feeling excited about doing this Challenge thing that I joined to loose weight but didnt have all the energy to get excited cause I was still too excited about my kids going to school. Now my question is this. Is it weird how I can have 2 types of mixed emotions but are both for good reasons? That is something that I have been thinking about and is still thinking about it.